“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Ephesians 2:8-10 (NIV
This week has been one of the most difficult weeks yet. I know I say that often these days… But the weeks just seem to be getting more difficult with each new one that comes. We have officially “turned on” the new ERP system at work and our old system is now shut down. For those of you wondering ERP is the acronym for Enterprise Resource Program (like an operating system for a computer except it operates your entire business activities).
I have been at my current employer for almost 8 years now. In the course of those 8 years, I have seen so much change. In fact, that is our culture.. Change.. So why this one is hitting me so hard has been difficult to nail down… until this week that is. For as long as I can remember, performance has been my driving force.. PERFECT performance to be exact. It seems I have spent much of my life riding on the coat tails of what I “do” well. Whether in the workforce or any other area of life, performance has been the driver. Somewhere along the way, I started to define my self-worth in the ability to just perform. At times that played out in OUTWARD behavior (aka being a ‘good girl’ – which by the way if you looked really close I WASN’T!!!). Other times it was through school and grades or work performance. And still other times in relationships. Somewhere along the way the belief that if I didn’t perform well (more like perfectly), I was worthless and unlovable. Somewhere along the way, what I could DO became the driving force behind how I defined myself. If I was performing perfectly, I somehow equated excellent performance to being accepted and loved. If I wasn’t absolutely perfect.. Well.. then I was completely and utterly worthless, rejected, useless, invisible. I think deep down I knew this about myself.. But until this week, I don’t think I realized how deeply ingrained it was in me. Off and On over the past year or so (key words here are OFF and ON), in an effort to live a life more fully surrendered to God, I have turned my attention to what God says about me. This focus has mostly been in relationships and as a mom, but some was also just in general as a child of God.. I focused mostly on applying God’s word to my role as a mom because this is where a good portion of my inadequacies surfaced and also because without God there is really just no way I can be a mom to all the boys God has given me. Being a mom was one of the things I absolutely knew I couldn’t rely on MY “performance” to get me by. What I didn’t realize is that I was also diving into things that I COULD rely on performance for in order to fill the gaps caused by worthlessness and insufficiency I felt in my other roles.
So.. What changed you ask? Well.. EVERYTHING really. But more specifically, my job. The one thing I knew how to do.. The one thing I knew I was great at.. The one thing that I found complete and total worth in.. Suddenly gone.. Handed off to others to do.. No goodbye with a see you later type of feeling.. No slow transition with a ‘hey we still need you a little to help us through the first few months’.. Nothing.. Just GONE.. Can you say hello worthlessness… Hello Emptiness.. Hello IDENTITY CRISIS… That’s exactly what hit me. All of the sudden the cover of my work was raised off me.. And under that cover was a lifetime of performance identity that now had nothing to rely on.. Nothing to transfer to… nothing to cover back up with. I was exposed.. Completely and totally exposed… and here came the tears… here came the emptiness.. here came the worthlessness..
As I sat there at my desk it hit me like a ton of bricks.. I was still defining myself in something other than God. I was still focused more on performing as a way to earn my worth and value than I was on the absolute truth of the Word of God. And right there in that moment God revealed something buried at my core. Now.. I’d love to tell you that by the end of the day I was all better and the source of my identity was all worked out.. But.. That was just Monday.. And that DIDN’T happen.. What DID happen is God said “now let’s get to work.” I love when He says that to me by the way. I love when He reminds me that He isn’t done with me and that He has plans to make me into a very pliable vessel for Him to use.. And I love when He reminds, “yes my child.. You are important.. But more important is Jesus in you and through you.”
And so I start each day with a reminder that what I “DO” does not define me… and I seek to truly know and believe that His presence in me and through me is more important than any performance based identity I could ever have. Still a lot of work to do to untangle the performance mess, but I’ve got the best coach ever. And somehow through it all God reminds me that if I can do it well without Him.. Well.. Maybe I don’t need to do it right now if it’s going to be in my own strength and power. I believe God uses our ‘natural’ abilities to bring glory to His name.. But I also believe some people are chosen to bring glory out of their LACK of ability to “DO” something well. Maybe we are all in a little bit of both categories. But no matter where I find myself between these two places.. I pray I daily remember to find my identity in Him alone.
I don’t know what God has next for me. I don’t know if I get to stay at this job or move on to a new chapter completely different than anything I’ve done. What I DO know is that I want to remember every day that my reliance on God and Him working in and through me are more important than any perfect performance will ever be. As we go and “do” each and every day, may we remember that it is GOD that saves.. God that defines worth.. And God that prepared EVERY.GOOD.THING we are supposed to “DO”. In HIM alone will we find our true identity and CRASH the identity crisis of this human nature.
Original Post: 11.13.2014
A Girl and Her God 